Dear Hinamori
by Ammykace
Summary: An open letter to Hinamori from Hitsugaya. HitsuHina


Dear Hinamori...

_Dear Hinamori,_

_I used to say you were annoying. Remember, Hinamori?_

_We would sit at the house together, eating as much as we could, laughing and talking...it was great. The sun made your hair darker, your skin tan and your bright white smile stood out. Everything I wanted was right there._

_Time passed, after all, it was the start to our eternity. The smiles began to fade, unhappiness set in and you missed having something to do, some sort of responsibilities._

_I still remember the day you came up to me with your decision to join the academy. I resented it. It wasn't fair that you wanted to take away the fun. I vowed never to enter the Seireitei, never to join you there, never to give them the satisfaction of owning my soul._

_But you went to school and you loved it. You'd come home and tell me just how great it was to put your powers to use, how wonderful you felt. I remember how your smile seemed to widen again, like it used to in the old days when we were young._

_Your eyes were never as bright as they were that fateful day where you took your turn in the practice ring. They shone, as did your smile when you came home and told me about seeing him. Captain Aizen. He not only met you, he saved your life and patted you on the head. He acknowledged you – a captain did...and you wanted nothing more then to be part of that. I wanted nothing more then to have that attention you gave him back to me._

_It was with a heavy heart, I sold my soul and enrolled. I was of course, put on the fast track to success. They wanted my power, just like I said they did. I noticed the way you didn't look my way anymore. You didn't have time to spend with me because you needed to study. You wanted to join the fifth division because he was there. I remember it clearly when you told me to go away and how first years weren't any of your concern now that you were in your third year._

_It didn't take me long to catch up to you though, did it?_

_I remember the look on your face when I entered your fifth year classroom, your wide eyes dawning with some sort of belated respect and then they faded as you smiled – an empty smile – and congratulated me on my success. I remember my chest constricting at that and the weak smile I returned with a 'thank you'. You seemed so far away now...almost as though I could never catch up with you again. Maybe it's my fault for being young and stupid. Just maybe if I'd said something, things might not have turned out that way._

_Of course, I graduated before you did. Everyone took notice of me...you were jealous. We had a fight – a stupid fight – in the school hallways. You accused me of taking Captain Aizen's attention from you. The Captains had their eyes on me, his included and you yelled at me as though it was my fault I was a master of the demon arts after only four years. I never meant to attract attention, Hinamori and I would never stand in your way. Not yours. Never yous. Don't you understand how much I cared about you?_

_It paid off though, didn't it? All of your hard work paid off. You entered the fifth division and started moving up the ranks, first attaining the twentieth seat and then the fourth. I watched you from afar – away in the tenth division. Of course, I wasn't about to be outdone by you. I moved up faster then any other cadet._

_It was those times I missed you most. Those times I longed to be friends again. I was glad however to see your smile directed at someone. At the very least you deserve that much. I was grateful to the other female shinigami among the ranks who were willing to spend time with you, teach you and make you laugh. I only wished I could hear it._

_I devoted myself to my studies. I never made many other friends. However there was Matsumoto who moved along side me, reaching for the top. Sometimes we worked on our skills together, but not often. She was great, but she wasn't you. Somehow I think she knew it. I think she knew I wanted you. Want you._

_But you only had eyes for Captain Aizen._

_Even then I didn't hate him. He was a captain, and respectable enough. He never mistreated you or made you cry, so I had no reason to hate him. He made you smile and your eyes widen and shine brightly. He gave you presence that I couldn't give you._

_When I finally became captain of the 10th division, I was pleased to see you following me up to the top. You were Vice-Captain then, to Aizen, your beloved Aizen. You were so close to him you could taste it and I knew it. You and he sat together often, were together often, perhaps more then comfortably within the right, but I couldn't care about that. You were alive._

_We made up, you had gotten close to him so you knew if you looked away he'd still be there. You came to me and asked me to hang out again. Of course I obliged. Who wouldn't?_

_That night we had a great time and I neglected to tell you how I felt yet again. You told me all about Captain Aizen. Constantly. Every day, every meeting, you took the icicle and stabbed it further through my heart until the ice had numbed it. Eventually I forgot about my crush on you, my love for you was put on hold as I stepped back into the roll of your best friend. I know now, that's all I ever was, that's all I'll ever be to you._

_Somehow I knew you weren't completely satisfied though. As the years flew by, somehow I knew you hadn't slept with Aizen and that wasn't enough for you anymore, just to be near him._

_Too bad he died then._

_I can forever hear you screaming for him when you saw his body upon the wall. Matsumoto and I were there...there was nothing I could do to help you. Nothing at all. Nothing now. Your love is gone. The only one who brought light into your soul is gone._

_I was never going to be the one for you. I never realized it more then I did that day._

_And then you lost it. You went off the handle and tried to make accusations. They sent you to jail and my heart ached for you. You didn't deserve this. Just because you loved him and needed him and he left you, you didn't deserve that._

_Then there was that letter._

_That damn letter._

_Ichimaru Gin, that fucker gave you that letter. You lost your mind again and attacked me. It wasn't me Hinamori, trust my word. I wouldn't never steal the light away from you. I may not have liked Aizen as much as you did, and I suspected him of suspecting Ichimaru, but I didn't kill Aizen._

_You're resting now, unconscious in the hospital wing. I wonder how much of that letter is true, how much of it was altered...if that really is the plan, if it really is the end of Soul Society in sight, I have to stop it. You know I do. I hope you can forgive me, Hinamori. If you're reading this, you've lost me too. I hope you know Matsumoto is there for you. Others are here for you...even if I'm not._

_I'm going to get the ruling overturned. I'm going to get Ichimaru's dirty plan exposed. I'm going to stop this execution before we all die again._

_If I don't make it, Hinamori, I want you to know that I do love you and I have and always will. Don't give up. Be strong and don't cry anymore. I hate it when you cry._

_Eternally yours,_

_Hitsugaya Toshirou_

Toshirou folded the letter carefully, running his fingers along the creases as he did before picking up the brush and dipping it into the ink once more. He wrote down along the side 'Hinamori'. He figured if he died and they came to clean out this room, his room, they'd bring her the letter.

The letter in place, he placed his palms on his table and pushed himself to his feet off of his knees. He straightened up, adjusting his sword out of habit. He took a deep breath and brushed a silver strand out of his eyes before walking out of the room without looking back.


End file.
